Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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