The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
