All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
