I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
