Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
