i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
