i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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