tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
