I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
