I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
