um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
