i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I am one with the molecules
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
