I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
