At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
