i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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