how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
