I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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