shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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