Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
