Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
