cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
