if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
