he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
