So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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