biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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