this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
