See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
