The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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