You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I puked a lego.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
