She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
