did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
