That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
