Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
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