I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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