Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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