So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
