it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
