only you would photoshop your dick
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
