i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
