I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Drunk is not a location!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
