i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
