I faked an abortion last night.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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