Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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