We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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