I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
