There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
