I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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