tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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