i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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