Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
