did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
