I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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